Christmas Morning 2010

There's nothing quite like feeling snow crunching under your boots for the first time, church bells tolling behind you, and a Christmas dinner waiting at home. Completely squeal worthy.

Comprehension

Ryann was just starting to hit that incredible moment in which words and ideas suddenly meld. Words are no longer just sounds. They're no longer even simply indicating objects. They are ideas. Every day she would surprise us with new words. Every day we found new ideas she hadn't understood just the day before. Every day this little person became a bit more of a little person.

Jared took this video just a week before we moved. The house is full of boxes and there are countless things that need to be done, but Jared and Ryann took a moment to play and talk and live. Ryann had just gotten a green plastic necklace from her friend Chloe at Easter, thus the 'jewels' Jared refers to in the video below. It's mind-boggling to watch my baby listen to her Daddy, comprehend what he's saying to her, create an independent idea from his, and walk away to enact that idea. How did we possibly manage to create such an amazing creature!

Phantom Child Syndrome

Most of the time I remember that Ryann is gone. I know I'll never catch her reading in a corner of her room or chasing the cats into the closet. Most of the time I remember that it's just Jared and me now. Once in a while I'll catch myself reaching down for a little hand or turning to check on a small passenger. And then I remember that she's not there.

I used to have such a hard time dropping her off with her babysitter for the afternoon. Leaving her always felt like there was a rubberband stretching, stretching, pulling me back. The rubberband is still there and still pulling, but there's nothing on the other side. It's disorienting and breathtaking. When I find myself looking around for her I feel it snap back and I gasp.

The strongest thing I remember of those first few weeks was the overwhelming sense that my arms were empty. I could literally feel the wriggly little body. Feel her weight settled on my hip, my arm snugged under her, her hand on my shoulder. But there was nothing there. No little fingers grabbing my nose. No soft cheek rubbing against mine. Gone. It was suffocating.

I feel a constant pull forward to our other children we hope to have. To feel the incredible little life in my arms again. But a part of me is so scared that instead of embracing the lives to come, the me who is Ryann's-Mommy will only be able to be bitter and jealous of the me who is Again-a-Mommy.

It hurts to know that there will be people who will know and love the rest of my family, but who will never be able to know and love the first set of chubby little arms I will always feel. So we tell stories and remember and share the baby girl who will always be our firstborn.



On moving day with Auntie Rachel

 

A champion wiggle-worm



Content in eachothers arms



Capitol Capers

The Nebraska State Capitol building is generally viewed as being the most beautiful in the United States. Whether or not it's true, the top dome makes a great playpen.

A Taste of Things which Could Have Been

Jared took this video during one of Ryann's last days. They had gone on a run around Holmes Lake and stopped to play on the playground for just a bit before heading home.

We remember the times that we had and try to fill them with every bit of memory of the sounds and colors and the breeze. How the wheel on the stroller wouldn't cooperate and how Ryann wanted to run straight into the lake. The buttons on her sweater. Her topknot and glitter shoes.

We make the memories that we do have as vivid as possible in pointless attempt to fill the void of the memories we'll never make.

Two-Wheeled Toy

As alluded to previously, Jared has a new toy. In Washington we were a two car family, due to juggling Ryann back and forth between the two of us and living about ten miles out from work. When we moved to Nebraska, we sold my beloved beater car so that we could make the drive sans car trailer. We figured being a one car family would work fine for us, since I would be working full-time and Jared would be a stay-at-home Dad to Ryann. Now that Jared needs to jet around town to work and school, having only one car was becoming a bit cramp-ish.

This was just the excuse we needed to fulfill Jared's decade-long dream of owning a Vespa.

Cherry-red, natch. We are Huskers now, are we not?

Early Evidence

Ryann was always a ridiculously happy little being. Early on, when Jared and I would brag about Ryann's early interactions, people were quick to dismiss it. They naturally thought that our stories were simply the ramblings of proud parents who were severly overblowing their child's accomplishments.

Our conversations with people at this point generally went like this:

     Us - You should have seen Ryann this morning! She was being so silly!

     Them - She had gas.

Or like this:

     Us - Oh man, Ryann really likes that color. Look at her grin!

     Them - She has gas.

I leave the below evidence for your review. Ryann was two weeks old when this video was shot.