Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Assumptions

There is always a proper way to do things. The right way. The expected way. Couples who lose children are supposed to grieve for months or even years before they have more children. That’s what people expect. When people don’t follow the norms, they are judged and talked about and their lives are planned out correctly around dinner tables everywhere.

Usually, Jared and I don’t care. Usually it doesn’t bother us. We got engaged after four months. We married before either of us had graduated. I gave my senior recital when I was three months pregnant. We took a year long break after we did graduate to work stressless jobs and relax. We never had a decent car. We ate at gourmet restaurants. We took trips on the spur of the moment. We took Ryann with us everywhere, and I mean everywhere – to class, to concerts, on planes, trains, and automobiles.

And we didn’t care what people thought. We loved our life and new that we were doing it right.

The one thing that got under our skin was people assuming that Ryann was an accident baby. It was a natural thing for people to assume, and I don’t really blame them for assuming it. Jared and I were both in school and had only been married for six months when we got pregnant, who in their right mind does that on purpose?! We do. And for some reason it really bothered us that people thought that we just made the best of a bad situation when in reality, we had purposefully created the most amazing life we could have possibly imagined.

And that brings us to the present. We’re supposed to wait and grieve and mourn before we even begin to think about having other children. We don’t plan on doing that. And we know that when people start thinking that it’s just another blow that our little family will have to deal with, or that we’re trying to replace Ryann or fill a void, we know that we will be livid. How could anyone possibly imagine that we have any hope of replacing Ryann? And how is it a bad thing to fill a void, a child-shaped void, when we were planning on having more children before we even lost one?

Do not assume to know what is happening in others’ lives. What may be the worst mistake or the heaviest burden for one person may be the most anticipated event for someone else.

We know that there will be excruciatingly hard times that we will go through when we have another one. Wounds that Ryann’s death caused that we won’t encounter until we go down that road again. But for us, it’s a worse thought to live as a quiet, childless family simply because it’s the proper way of things, than add to our family and simply expect the pain to come along with the blinding love.





11 comments:

  1. Damie, I admire you and Jared so much. I am so proud of the way you are moving on with your lives, not to say that 'moving on' means forgetting, because I know you will never forget, but that you are treasuring your memories with Ryann while still taking care of yourselves and planning for the future. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. I'm so happy you guys got to travel a bit, it looked like fun! I'm still praying for you two!

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  2. I think this is the best news I've heard. I think those assumptions are ridiculous too and there is no reason for you not to have more children. your faith in God allows you to not dwell on mourning but instead look forward to the great things you still have to do. Ryann will always be a part of your lives and knowing that will allow you to move on. Prayers and love from SoCal.

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  3. I just love these pictures of Ryann; and I LOVE that Jared is lying IN the pool with her. Definitely made me grin. Assumptions are hard to deal with; people who don't get a chance to walk in your shoes don't know what they are like, how amazing you feel wearing them, or how sometimes they can give really painful blisters. And that is ok, b/c we each have our own pair of shoes (or in our case, pairsssssss :D and they're all pretty amazing); but when someone tells you how you should feel wearing your own shoes - that 'advice' or 'well-meaning wisdom' doesn't mean a thing. Reading this just reaffirms in my mind that you two are really amazing parents. And will continue to be. No one has the right to live your life or wear your shoes except you. And you both wear them soooo well - keep it up my dear friend! Lots of love. (and stay away from ghosts ;DDDDDDD)

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  4. I really enjoy reading this blog. Thanks for putting the time into it.

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  5. The proper thing is what is best for YOUR family an only you and Jared know what that is. It's so wrong for people to assume what should be best for others when they aren't in the particular situation. I admire that you took Ryann with you everywhere, that is so wonderful! We also got engaged at 4 mos of dating and married at 11 mos. When you know, you know. No one else can tell you otherwise.

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing. I am amazed by your confidence, faith and perseverance! Ryann was lucky to have you guys as parents and the future children you have will be blessed by you guys as well! I hear so much peace in what you wrote and confidence in the Lord that he will continue to provide as you and Jared move forward in life. :) I have to say, that through this hardship your testimony has meant a lot to me. Our hearts and prayers continue to be with you and our joys and hope for the present and future as well. :)

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  8. The Lord offers a give of strength, courage, and power. I'm glad you and Jared have accepted it. Its package is wrapped in "Hope". And although our hope shines brighter now more than ever, the pain of not having Ryann around will never go away until that day when hope becomes life, again. Ryann will want brothers and sisters. Yes, she will. I'm happy she will always be your first consideration. You and Jared have so much to share. It would be a shame to keep it bottled up.
    -lovelovelove ♥ mom-

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  9. Ryann was a beautiful little girl who is looking forward to all the siblings you will provide her! You guys are great parents and if you waited a year, I would understand, if you had started last month, I would have understood. You dont see Ryann's passing as the end of life. You see it as a tragic event that made a whole in your heart but that you must press forward. Must move on. Not forget Ryann but remember Ryann. God has so much more for you and you do have the capacity to love other children. I wouldnt expect you to try and replace Ryann but I'm so glad to know that you aren't giving up on having more kids and I am excited to see what God has in store for you both. We miss you guys and cant wait to see you when ever that may be! God Bless you both! Love you both! Praying for you always!

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  10. Good for you. Your guys' faith through all of this has been so inspiring to me. Can't wait to see your family continue to grow :)

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  11. Damie...when you told me you and Jared were talking about when to grow your family to four I was THRILLED!!! The idea that you and Jared would sit around weeping for years before even TALKING about having another little mini-Damie or Jared was devastating to me. The instant you said it my face lit up with a smile - pure joy that there would one day (perhaps soon, perhaps not...but whenever it is, it will be RIGHT) be a second baby Hiscock to light up the world.

    I assume nothing when it comes to you two. You continuously amaze me, stick out your tongue at the expected "norm".....and you're some of the joy-filled people I know. That said in spite of the fact that you are still (and always will be) missing Ryann.

    I'm excited for you, and I'm SO glad you guys are friends. I really don't know how I ever thought I was living before I met you guys. HA! Now if we could lay off the stalking for a while...

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