Monday, November 5, 2012

November 4, the Third Time

Yesterday was Ryann's third birthday.

I should have been elbow deep in flour and buttercream, balloons and tissue paper. I should have been cleaning the house and wrapping presents and shielding little eyes from surprises.

Instead we spent the day quietly. The three of us wandering around town, missing our fourth.

Overall, it was actually a surprisingly enjoyable day. (As long as we choose to not include an unconnected, stressful close to the day.) We were intensly grateful to have Clifton with us. And we look forward to and dread sharing memories of his sister with him. We are sad that our children will have to grapple with death from the very beginning.

As time went on after Ryann died, we tended to think about what she would be like at that future time. What would Ryann the 2-year-old be like? What would the 2-and-a-half year old girlie be doing? And we've always been able to imagine her with us, as she should have been. But recently we find ourselves imagining a little 19-month-old girl back into our home. It's startling to realize that she would actually be three. Ryann is no longer a growing girl in our minds, but forever frozen at 19 months. Forever squealing 'daddy' and never to yell a 'mommy'. Spinning circles in our living room and taking off down the hall at a dizzy run. Calling squirrels diggin for nuts 'doggies' and squirrels scolding from trees 'birdies'. We imagine a 19-month-old Ryann playing with her 18-month-old and 2-and-a-half year old cousins. She should be three. Leading them around and showing off her little brother. Someday she will become the little sister to all of our children.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of babysitting my niece. Just me, Clifton, and Mei. I could feel what it would be like to juggle little Clif with 19-month-old Ryann. Even though that's not what it would be. And it was hectic. And full of life. And lovely.


Grinning in Sabbath School.

Running away from hair-fixing before church.

Early potty training. Evidence of distraction attempts littering the floor.

Running back to me after children's story. A classic Ryann photo.

Determined to dress herself.

Concertizing with Daddy.

Clifton. The second light of our life.

1 comment:

  1. Seeing pictures of Ryann and Clifton right next to each other breaks my heart...and makes me smile. Next to each other is where they should be...I'm just sad it can't be in the same frame.

    It's funny you mention imagining what the 2 1/2-year-old Ryann would be like...just yesterday I was watching Kayla play with Lizzy and thinking, "I wonder what she and Ryann would be doing together now." And then I realized I'd be asking myself that for life. "I wonder what Kayla and Ryann would have done together at ten...sixteen...twenty-five."

    But it's true. She will always be a 19-month-old in my mind. And although she will be one of the sweetest children in my mind and memory...I wish she could be more than a memory accompanied by a mix of sad and happy tears.

    Happy third birthday, Ryann. We miss you oh so much!