I have rarely been truly content. I usually struggle with being excited for the next step, the next thing. It gets annoying, even for me. I always wanted to be a year older, to be reading the next chapter, to be taller. It's so frustrating because after I get to that longed for point, I realize that I never truly appreciated the last step while I was in it, and yet I would already be pushing to move on to the next point.
A strange thing happened when we found out I was pregnant. I felt settled. Happy. Content. I was scared that I would lose this feeling, since I really had no idea how I had finally come upon it in the first place. I made a point to relax into it. I purposefully loved every moment of being pregnant. I had no idea whether or not this feeling would last, but I loved it. Several times I marveled to Jared about how amazing it was to thoroughly enjoy every stage of experiencing Ryann. And it didn't leave. I was always able to completely enjoy every single stage our little family went through. It was incredible.
It's gone now, that feeling of fully living. I hope that I can find it again. Now that I've experienced it and know that it really is as great as it seems it would be, I miss it terribly. But this time, instead of constantly being pulled forward toward the next great thing, I'm also being pulled back. If there were any way to turn back time and relive the two years we had with Ryann, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would choose to live in a constant loop of those two years rather create new memories.
But I can't.
Instead I long for the next thing. I sometimes find myself so focused on the future that I haven't valued what I have now. And while that might not seem like such a terrible thing at times, I can't help but think of how I would feel now if I had done that when we did have Ryann. What if I hadn't soaked up every moment, every smile, every belly laugh and scrape?
So I try to look around instead of only forward or back. I make a point of meeting new friends and eating good food and enjoying these last summer days. And I hope that someday I can again find more than just a moment of that complete contentment.